Caligula

One main version:

* (1981) - Chemical Playschool 2 (3:37)

A musical and lyrical improvisation full of noise and awkwardness. It ends suddenly.

Unavailable elsewhere, thank goodness.

Instruments: Sequenced keyboards; discordant organ chords; single vocal track; percussive tapping noises; chaotic synth noises halfway through.

What It's About:

An improvised story about Caligula, who orders a lion to eat the people who suck up to him. The lion dies from indigestion and Caligula recommends Alka-Seltzer.

Lyrics (adapted from the Cloud-Zero archive):

I just met Caligula on a peninsula.
He's so very insular.
A nutter.

A nutter from the gutter.
He's got power and he uses it.
He collected all the sea shells.
Poured 'em in his palace.
They all laughed, so he had 'em all put down,
what a clown.

All the sycophants we're laughing,
"Oh! you're such a great geezer, you great Caligula."

He said, "You bunch of crawlers,
set my lions in to maul ya'.
Line up by the wall.
Don't you know I'm emperor,
a really nasty emperor.
You crawl to me, you're up against the wall."

There they were all,
lined up as a lion came out from the doorway.
He was licking his lips at all these...Roman citizens.
As Caligula set up on the balcony, he sniggered.
That Caligula, the sniggerer.

But the lion said, "I'm really not too hungry."
So Caligula said to the victims, "Eat the lion!"
The lion said, "I could change my mind!
OK, I haven't had any dinner.
Caligula, I'll make an exception this time."

And the lion, he jumped on the line.
They were screaming "Get off you nasty lion!"
He didn't. The animal.

And afterwards, the lion died of indigestion.
Caligula, he made a suggestion,
"Why not try some Alka-Seltzer?
Makes you healthy, makes you wealthy,
makes you very wise,
like me."

Why You Should Care:

You shouldn't, this is the second most annoying Dots song ever.